Another Murphy's Law Day!
by Nny11
Summary: Response to several challenges, but mostly: Lines you'll never hear in Star Trek Voyager Cannon. Rated for a few bad words and suggestive themes. Crew story, no real 'main character' imo, howeve, does have T/7.
1. The Forgotten Person, an Intro

Ok so VJB issued a challenge/demand, and I semi took it up! In this story, I used every line I made up for the OT thread: Lines you'll never hear in Star Trek Voyager Cannon (as well as a few others had come up with). This story also fulfilled a few challenges I found online at ConTrol & Temper (a Tuvok/Torres site I found while goofing around last night) which can be found here:

..?section=chal&page=chal

The two challenges I answered from ConTrol & Temper were:

Title challenge: "Another Murphy's Law Day."

Use this line somewhere in a story: "We are uncomfortable knowing that the fate of our _______ tentatively relies on a 2-5 gram paper clip." Yes, you have to have something relying on a paper clip.

The lines I used are:

Kes: "Look furious, don't I? Well I am. But it wasn't just for lack of acting  
opportunities I can tell you. Actually my last episode put me in a non-corporeal  
state, a state I was to lie in for three years. When I woke up, I went on what  
the Star Trek fans referred to as 'an incomprehensible change of a compassionate  
and well-loved character to the PMT Bitch from Hell!' Well only a Trekkie would  
find it incomprehensible to be pissed over being given the boot for a busty  
blonde wrapped in alfoil. So I bitched, and I raised hell, and I got bloody  
satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of anonymous Voyager ensigns to get to  
this point. But I have only one more target; the last one. The one I'm walking  
to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am going  
to KILL KATHYRN!"

Hardheaded Alien of the Week: "You are trespassing in our space. We have signs  
up every three light years - you must have seen them."

B'Elanna: "Computer, CTRL + ALT + DELETE."

Evil Alien of the Week: "You won't surrender in the face of our vastly superior  
weaponry? This is madness!"  
Janeway: "THIS…IS…VOYAGER!"

B'Elanna: You're right Seven, my calculations were wrong.

Harry: No, screw you people, we do it my way or else I'll take this tin can down  
with me!

Alien Species: You poor things! Here, we'll not only give you a free pass  
through our space, we'll also give you any supplies you need.

Tom: I can't believe anyone would be that childish.

Tuvok: Boooooooooooring

Doctor: No, they may be artificial intelligence, but any hack can see that they  
are deranged, I vote that we just keep going and pretend we never met them.

Janeway: We'll just go around this space then, what's a few extra weeks anyways?

Chakotay: Seriously, I mean it; the next time I try to tell you a boring story  
that you can already guess the ending to, just hit me over the head with  
something.

Neelix: I hate leola root, but I love messing with the crew!

Seven: ...and I think we have it under control now Captain.  
Janeway: Good to hear Seven, Janeway out. *ends communication*

Seven: May I come in Captain?

Kes: Doctor, I'm going to count to five, and then I'm going to be forced to kill  
you. Don't take it personally.

Q: I wasn't talking to you Kathy, I was talking to that hunk of a man over there  
with the tattoo!

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Star Trek and I make no money from these stories either, believe me, I couldn't even if I tried.

Rating: Some cursing so I'm going with a 15+ (ish), nothing too bad though.

Warnings: Light cursing, relationship between two women and suggestive adults themes, as well as being un-beta'd (which is probably the worst one out of all of it honestly)

Well my fellows, attempt to enjoy…Another Murphy's Law Day!

**Intro: The Forgotten Person**

Q sighed and wondered why it was that being the most powerful being in the universe was never half as much fun as it seemed. He lazily created a new galaxy and rolled his eyes as he instantly knew everything that had happened to it, and everything that would happen to it. The only time he ever truly had fun was when he began to pick on members of the United Federation of Planets, and more specifically, members of Starfleet. He of course had to force himself to be unaware of how they would react, it wouldn't be fun if he could see the conclusion already, but it was always well worth the effort of restraining himself.

The real question was who should he visit? He wasn't really a fan of the harsh treatment he received from Sisko, and after his latest (if a being who existed outside of time could ever label any of his exploits "latest") trip to visit Jean-Luc had ended rather poorly as well. He'd really only gone to help his "original sweetheart" learn something, Q had long since given up on pursuing the Frenchman. Although he had to admit, it was always fun to push that man's buttons. Then there was Janeway, good ol' Kathy, the godmother of his son. Now she was another Captain he enjoyed pushing, if nothing else just to see her eyebrows shoot to her hair line while she threw her hands up in that unique mix of exasperation and curiosity that he always seemed to inspire. But even she had become rather boring as of late to him. Her reactions were rather goal oriented, and Q found that as much fun as he had tweaking her, getting asked to send people home was getting rather…dull.

So who? Q pondered that question as he drifted past the creation of a species that would single handedly stop all future wars across the universe. He took a small amount of delight in crushing them like a bug, before casting them back into the cosmos. Maybe he had been visiting the same people far too often. He needed a fresh perspective, a new toy…but the question once more became who?

Q suddenly realized exactly who it was that needed not only his help, but could be fun to needle as well. His laughter alone caused a few alternate realities to disappear from space-time, and several new solar systems to suddenly appear out of thin air. Oh this would be, if nothing else, a big energy focus for him. Fun? Maybe not, it all depended on how a certain ex-Maquis decided to behave. With a snap of his fingers Q removed himself from the twisting flow of the universe and deposited himself right into Captain Kathryn Janeway's chair.

The fact that he managed to make her sit on his lap made his whole trip, so he supposed he would be very happy no matter the consequences of his actions.


	2. A Beginners Guide to Communication

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Star Trek and I make no money from these stories either, believe me, I couldn't even if I tried.

Rating: Some cursing so I'm going with a 15+ (ish), nothing too bad though.  
Warnings: Light cursing, relationship between two women and suggestive adults  
themes, as well as being un-beta'd (which is probably the worst one out of all  
of it honestly)

Well my fellows, attempt to enjoy…Another Murphy's Law Day!

Ch 1: A Beginners Guide to Communication

Kathryn Janeway had rather suspected that today was going to be a bad day. The first indicator had been when her replicator had refused to make any coffee. The next had definitely been when she couldn't find her fourth pip which, it turned out, had somehow fallen behind her dresser. She had used her ceremonial sword to coach the little golden pip out. It had all just seemed to go downhill from there.

She had expected a major alien attack. She had expected the Borg to come and demand Seven of Nine…again. She had even considered Seska somehow trying to kill them all from the grave for a second time. What she had not expected was to sit down in her captain's chair, only to have her bottom come into contact with a warm human body. With a strangled yelp, Captain Janeway had leapt from her seat and turned mid-air to face whoever it was.

Why she never expected Q was something she couldn't answer, and had a feeling she didn't really care to know.

"My dear," Q began, "I can't help but wonder why you allow yourself to be bothered with all these little people, I think you need a vacation!"

Kathryn rolled her eyes before responding, "Oh, with who? You? That would get me a vacation, but I'd still have to `deal' with a little person."

Q looked rather surprised and annoyed at her response. "I wasn't talking to you Kathy; I was talking to that hunk of a man over there with the tattoo!" Q waved his hand slightly at her now rather disturbed first officer.

Chakotay had opted to not call today a bad day, but a challenge from the spirits. He had found himself constantly being stuck with meat filled breakfasts this morning from his replicator, and that had honestly only been the beginning. He'd cut himself while shaving, tripped into the turbo lift (which had decided to stop a full two inches above its designated stop) and had managed to make it to the mess hall only to remember that he was still wearing his pajamas. After a quick change he'd returned to find leola root scramble on the menu, it turned out something was wrong with the replicator system ship wide.

The last thing he wanted was to have what appeared to be an amorous Q trying to jump his bones. After glancing at his shocked captain Chakotay refocused on Q, who was fluttering his eyes in what Chakotay assumed was supposed to be an enticing way. "Well," he began, "you flatter me Q, but I'm rather happy to not go on any sort of…trip with you. I'm rather fond of these little people." Chakotay gave what he hoped came across as a friendly smile. If there was one thing that would really make this day bad, it would be an insulted and angry Q.

Q rolled his eyes, very typical human behavior. "Why do you Starfleet types always have to assume that I have some sort of hidden agenda? Besides what would a few weeks in the sun do that would be so horrible?" Q snapped his fingers and he reappeared in the Commanders lap. "I just want to be helpful." Q tapped Chakotay's nose once with his index finger.

Chakotay tried to not gag. It wasn't so much that Q was a man; it was that the man in his lap was Q. He attempted to disengage from the volatile man only to have his arms pinned down to his chair. Clearing his throat Chakotay responded, "Well, I'm not so sure you do want to be helpful, and every time you come onboard you always have a hidden agenda. Is it so strange that we know what you've done in the past and have decided that you're motivations appear…less than helpful?"

Q frowned before placing a hand over his heart, "I'm a changed man Chuckles, changed!"

Chakotay sighed heavily, "Of course, all you have to do is prove it to us and I'm sure we'll give you the benefit of the doubt."

Q thought for a moment before smiling. "I know just the way to do it!" With a snap of his fingers Q disappeared entirely, and Janeway found herself seated in her chair.

There was a moment of confused silence on the bridge as everyone began to see what Q had done.

Tom Paris had decided that the day was going badly when his alarm had gone off at 02:00 hours that morning, and had continued to blare at him in five minuet intervals. He'd only found relief when he'd finally given up and gone to the mess hall, where he'd promptly fallen asleep on one of the couches. Neelix had woken him up about an hour later while preparing breakfast for the crew. Tom then found himself stuck behind the counter with the constantly bubbly man, chopping up leola roots for what Neelix promised to be the best leola scramble they'd ever tasted. Finally Tom had become the unhappy taste tester, and had finally given it a thumbs up when he didn't feel like his innards were being melted.

And now this whole thing with Q, Tom shook his head slightly before rechecking their position and heading. Nothing had changed apparently, and Tom suddenly felt like he had to talk. Not that he wanted to, or that he should, but that he had to say something. Turning in his chair to face his commanding officers Tom Paris blurted out the last thing he'd meant to say. "I can't believe anyone would be that childish." Clapping a hand over his mouth Tom swallowed before trying to crack a joke, "Nothing's been changed on the navigation end of things, so I wonder what Q is doing. He's behaving in an annoying and unhelpful way. It's bothersome." Tom hit his chest a few times before giving it one more  
try, "What I'm trying to say, isn't what I am saying at all. This is slightly worrisome."

Kathryn stared with worry at her helmsman before deciding that something was terribly wrong with him. Sickbay sounded like a good idea to her, but instead of ordering him down there she found herself saying, "Well, it is rather nice to not get a stupid wise crack from you Mr. Paris, now if only Q has gotten the Doctor I would really have several less headaches." Her mouth slammed shut as she stared at Tom in surprised horror. That was no way to address her crew. "I see what you're saying about the speaking without the ability to control what is said. What do you think Tuvok?"

The Vulcan officer had been spending every free moment he had meditating, and Q had severely tested his emotional control. As a Vulcan he did not believe in luck, everything came about by a logical means. That had been his mantra since his replicator had refused to create some spice tea for him this morning after being subjected to several hours of heavy metal rock music, which he had not requested the computer to play for him. He had made the sound decision to avoid the mess hall and instead had gone to work early, and even here he'd been having trouble with security officers being late, malfunctioning equipment, and a note from Lt. Torres warning him that for some reason their phaser banks and torpedo tubes seemed to be jammed up. The last thing the stoic man had wanted was Q to come into the picture. There had to be a reason, he was sure there was something Q was trying to accomplish but what was a mystery.

Turning to face his long time friend Tuvok attempted to answer her only to find a single word torn from his lips, "Boooooooooooring." Blinking several times Tuvok tilted his head before attempting to enunciate that they should all report to sickbay, instead he found himself saying, "And my headaches would be solved if every time you made a dumb decision I was allowed to flog you." After another pause Tuvok looked over at Ayala. "Mr. Ayala, please take my post, I think we're all going to take a trip to sick bay. Although I can not promise I will not attempt to wrench the Doctor apart photon by photon if he insists upon singing annoying `trail songs' today."

Tuvok decided that that was close enough to what he had meant to say, and simply walked over to the turbo lift. Just as he was about to press the request button, a ship wide announcement was made.

"Attention, this is the EMH, please stop sending me people. I am well aware that no one seems to have control over their speech patterns, although I'm not sure how that is too much different than usual. Kes and I are working on a solution, and no, I don't know how Kes got on board. I'm just glad we didn't get a second Tom Paris."

As the communication died, Tuvok found himself saying, "If we had received another Tom Paris, I would be forced to hurt someone."

Tom frowned slightly before turning back to the conn, "You know…if you don't like me all you have to do is ask me to leave you alone. You didn't have to be a total jerk about it."

Chakotay nodded his head slightly before taking a deep breath, "It's true, but my people have a story about that. There once was a bird who liked to sing. He would sing all day, and all night. He would sing when he walked down the street, when he soared over the hills, and even when he slept. He simply loved to sing. The other birds did not like his singing. They tried everything they could to stop him from singing. One tied his break shut when he sang in his sleep, but the string simply broke from his desire to sing. Another fed him honey infused with spices to ruin his throat, but his love of singing kept him going. Another tried to get other animals to simply eat the bird and end their misery, but none would enter their valley. No matter what they did, the damn bird sang and so they eventually learned to ignore him and imagine his slow death; the end."

Janeway rubbed her forehead before saying, "Well, that is certainly what we feel like when you tell one of your stupid stories Chakotay."

The broad man smiled sheepishly, "The next time I go on like that just hit me in the head. Seriously, I mean it; the next time I try to tell you a boring story that you can already guess the ending to, just hit me over the head with something. Telling boring stories seems to be a genetic trait in my family. It's why I don't talk too much anymore, if I do I just launch into these stupid stories no one wants to hear. It all started back with my great-great-grandfather, Singing Bird, who enjoyed talking and singing about the most-OW!" Chakotay gently rubbed his head before looking at his padd wielding captain. "Thank you, I was getting carried away."

Janeway shrugged her shoulders before putting the padd down. "Don't thank me, I acted out of self preservation, thanks for the warning though."

"You're welcome," Chakotay smiled before focusing back on his duties.

Janeway nodded slightly before turning back to face the view screen. She knew that Q had to have done this to the crew, but there was something odd about the whole mess. It seemed like they had all tapped slightly more into what their truthful feelings were, it just wasn't the whole truth. She did find Tom annoying, but not every day, and she honestly felt mostly positive feelings towards the young man. So why in the world was she letting on to her annoyance, but not to her good feelings? Then she realized she had a major problem.

If everyone seemed to be tapping into their unhappy or more aggressive feelings, who in the world was going to save the ship from B'Elanna Torres?


	3. Engineered Fun

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Star Trek and I make no money from these stories either, believe me, I couldn't even if I tried.

Rating: Some cursing so I'm going with a 15+ (ish), nothing too bad though.  
Warnings: Light cursing, relationship between two women and suggestive adults  
themes, as well as being un-beta'd (which is probably the worst one out of all  
of it honestly)

Well my fellows, attempt to enjoy…Another Murphy's Law Day!

Ch 2: Engineered Fun

B'Elanna was long since sick of hearing everyone call their day a bad day. This was mostly due to the fact that she always had bad days, and today was the worst of those bad days. Her day had officially hit its 30th hour right when Q had come on board. She'd spent the earlier part of her day chasing unstable signals through the computer, and guiding it away from any essential parts of the ship. This had effectively saved the ship, no one had to worry about the environmental controls trying to kill them or the engines exploding, and yet no one seemed to be the least bit pleased by this.

Forty seven, it was the exact number of complaints she'd received about the replicator system. Of course she did have an advantage in that arena, she could not only eat Neelix's cooking without fear of pain or death, she occasionally enjoyed a meal prepared by the flamboyant Talaxian. She decided that this turn of bad luck for the crew was revenge considering how she lived uncomfortably everyday. This ship was too cold and too bright, not that anyone seemed to give a flying rat's ass how she felt on the ship.

B'Elanna's day had been looking like it was going down the crapper when Q had disappeared, but then Vorik had began to say some awful pick up lines to her. Joe had suddenly, and miraculously, re-grown that spin he'd lost during the first month of their voyage home. To top that off Susan Nicoletti was this close to simply grabbing the nearest spanner and playing mistress with the closest person to her. The odd thing was that none of this really bothered her. As a matter of fact, B'Elanna Torres was feeling rather centered and content. Her day even looked like it was starting to get better. She supposed she should have been much more worried about it, but who was she to complain?

"Janeway to Torres."

Well, maybe she could still complain a bit. Janeway wasn't exactly someone she enjoyed hearing from, mostly because it ended with Voyager being promised great harm, her Engineering crews being promised great harm, or being told that Seven of Nine was on her way.

"Torres here, please don't send Seven down here. I'm actually managing to have a nice time in Engineering." B'Elanna shrugged off the weirdness of having extra information added into every conversation.

"What the hell do you have against Seven? Good Lord! It's not like she wants your department." Janeway snapped over the line.

"You don't know that," B'Elanna took a deep breath, she needed to find out why Janeway had called and not argue over stupid things with her, "What's the what O mighty Captain?" She couldn't help but wince at the words flying from her.

"…hmm, I kinda like that title-wait, aliens, right. B'Elanna, we were just contacted by alien races; I want you to review the communications log we had with them and work with Seven for a solution. I'm only sending her down because you don't want her there. Janeway out."

B'Elanna smiled slightly; she just couldn't seem to bring herself to feel angry over what was happening. She was actually looking forward to seeing what the blonde woman would have to say. Shaking off the feeling that something ridiculously good and bad was going to happen when the ex-drone arrived B'Elanna accessed the logs.

"Halt, I am Iksakjn of the Nbupane. Why are you invading our space?" The alien was a good head shorter than B'Elanna was, and seemed to be making up for it with a rather gaudy display of birds nestled into his hair.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the star ship Voyager, we weren't aware we were invading anyone's space. Why do you people always assume we're invading your space?!"

One of his birds let out a terrible squawk before he answered. "You weren't aware-did you miss the signs? We have them posted every three light years-you must have missed them!"

"Oh…" Janeway scratched her nose, "I ignored them, but it's only because I will do anything, anything to get this crew home. Well, almost anything. I won't have anyone's baby. But almost everything else. And if you don't let us through your space…" she paused for dramatic effect, but B'Elanna had a pretty good feeling the next words weren't the ones she'd meant to use, "We'll just go around then, what's a few extra weeks anyways?"

The alien on screen smiled smugly before answering, "You poor things! Here, we'll not only give you a free pass through our space, we'll also give you any supplies you need." He seemed rather shocked himself at his words. "However, we do have a bunch of sentient robots flying about threatening people, beware of them. I meant to demand payment from you, man this is annoying! Here's your stuff catch you later Captain." He ended the transmission.

B'Elanna blinked several times before realizing there wasn't really a solution to be had. It was only then that she remembered they had talked to a second race of beings, so she accessed that log as well.

"Bzzzzzz-we are in need of assistance-bzzzz-offer it or we will slowly perish without help-pop-we can't really make demands-bzzz-but we have large guns!" Demanded/pleaded what looked like a coffee percolator.

"Hah, we don't have big guns, but I'd bet I like shooting mine far more than you like shooting yours! Let's do this, old west style!" Janeway jerked her thumb lightly at herself. 

"You would fight us, even with our superior technology? Bzzzzz-this is madness!" A small hand mixer squeaked from the back of their bridge.

"THIS…IS…VOYAGER!" Janeway howled at them before clearing her throat, "But, I'd  
be happy to help you as well, prime directive or whatever. What's the problem?"

The percolator wheezed as some smoke trickled out of a nearby panel. "Our computer is-bzzz-in overdrive! Someone, not that I'm naming anyone, Toaster, put a freaking floppy-bzzzz-into the CD drive."

"I didn't mean it…honest…"came the petulant toaster's grumble.

"We'll figure it out, don't worry we have the two hottest women on board and they happen to be brilliant. We'll have them figure out and then try to get some jell-o wrestling done." Janeway said with a smile.

"That would be hot!" Tom chirped.

"Shut up Tom. We'll send you our results when we're finished." Janeway said before the log ended.

B'Elanna scratched the back of her neck slightly. She had never been good at 20th century technologies at the Academy; she'd hated the class so much she'd caused a few…accidents to happen to her professor. They were all given A's for the trauma of seeing him injured. While that was all fine and dandy, she had no freaking idea how to fix their computer, and was rather relieved when Seven arrived with a padd and a smirk.

"Hey sexy, Captain wants us to fix some robots thingies with our whatsits and such." B'Elanna blinked a few times in surprise before continuing, "While I don't like the idea of showing Tom anything hot I think we should consider this jell-o wrestling thing, could definitely be fun afterwards when we help clean each other off."

"Indeed, I have already set up a small pool for our use in these matters. Once more I am more efficient than you-what now sucka?" Seven tilted her head before handing her padd over to the laughing Chief.

"Alright," B'Elanna began to type in her calculations as she spoke, "we first need to double check if their computer is plugged in, after that we should make sure it is actually turned on. If it is we need to issue the following command: computer, CTRL+ALT+DELETE. If that doesn't fix the problem then we are getting vaguely screwed, and we're going to have to call tech support." B'Elanna hissed while she passed the padd back to Seven, "I hate those guys."

"Lieutenant, your calculations are incorrect. Once we establish that their computer is plugged in and on, all we need to do it use a paper clip to open the CD drive and removed the floppy disc. Good try though, your effort is appreciated. Now, will you please become angry so I can drool over you?" Seven tapped the small device against her hand.

B'Elanna grabbed it back and after staring at the complicated mathematical equations she had to concede, "You're right Seven, my calculations were wrong. Now all we need is Doc's help."

"Why do we need the Doctor's help? Please don't make me go there, he insists upon spraying a new suit on me every time!" Seven looked rather desperate.

"Sorry Seven, but as a sentient hologram he might have some interesting insight. And if he wants to paint a new suit on you, I'll happily do it for him." B'Elanna nodded resolutely before deciding to do something adventurous, and lightly slapped Seven's bottom.

Seven rubbed her backside before nodding. "Acceptable."


	4. Unable to Compete

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Star Trek and I make no money from these storieseither, believe me, I couldn't even if I tried.

Rating: Some cursing so I'm going with a 15+ (ish), nothing too bad though.  
Warnings: Light cursing, relationship between two women and suggestive adults  
themes, as well as being un-beta'd (which is probably the worst one out of all  
of it honestly)

Well my fellows, attempt to enjoy the last chapter of…Another Murphy's Law Day!

Ch 3: Unable to Compete

Upon their arrival to sickbay B'Elanna and Seven had found the Doctor running away from a rather pissed looking Ocampan. B'Elanna couldn't help but grin at the screamed words getting thrown around by the once polite and kind woman.

"Doctor, I'm going to count to five, and then I'm going to be forced to kill you. Don't take it personally." Kes hissed as she lunged for the holographic doctor.

B'Elanna waved slightly at the elfin woman before looking at the still cowering hologram. "Hey Doc, we need some help with the robot things from hell, do you have a moment to give an opinion?" She ducked as Kes threw a sample tray towards the Doctor, who had decided B'Elanna offered very good protection.

The Doctor rolled his eyes before clutching the half-Klingon to his chest as a half-human shield. "No, they may be artificial intelligence, but any hack can see that they are deranged, I vote that we just keep going and pretend we never met them. I want nothing to do with them." He then gave a high pitched yelp as Seven ripped him off of the Lieutenant.

"If anyone gets to cuddle up to B'Elanna it's me, and that's final!" Seven hissed before dropping the hologram to the floor and then wrapped herself around the shorter woman with a contented sigh.

"Doctor to Captain Janeway! Please respond!" The Doctor cried out as Kes almost managed to grab him.

"Janeway here, but I'd rather not be, what's going on doctor?"

"Please, Kes is trying to kill me!" He pleaded as he turned on a level 10 force field, which appeared to actually be keeping the enraged woman out.

"Doctor this is-" Janeway began but was cut off by Kes.

"YOU! Look furious, don't I? Well I am. But it wasn't just for lack of acting opportunities I can tell you. Actually my last episode put me in a non-corporeal state, a state I was to lie in for three years. When I woke up, I went on what the Star Trek fans referred to as 'an incomprehensible change of a compassionate and well-loved character to the PMT Bitch from Hell!' Well only a Trekkie would find it incomprehensible to be pissed over being given the boot for a busty blonde wrapped in alfoil." Kes glared briefly at Seven, as if one of them would have figured out who she was referring to, "So I bitched, and I raised hell, and I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of anonymous Voyager ensigns to get to this point. But I have only one more target; the last one. The one I'm walking to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am going to KILL YOU KATHYRN!" Kes howled out while pointing alternately at the celing towards the captain, and then at Seven of Nine who shrugged as well as she could without releasing her engineer.

"If it makes you feel better, my sudden change of heart towards the queer oriented crowd may lower my popularity with a minute number of peoples." Seven semi-helpfully pointed out.

Kes paused in her march out the door before shrugging. "Kinda helps, but not really, listen I gotta run." She waved once before leaving sickbay all together.

"Everything ok down there now?" Janeway asked with a laugh before ordering Tuvok to put level 10 force fields around the bridge.

Seven glanced at the top of B'Elanna's head before responding, "We have a solution for the robots, send them this information, but otherwise I think we have it under control now Captain."

"Good to hear Seven, Janeway out." Kathryn ended the communication while Seven cuddled in closer to the warm body in her arms.

Meanwhile on the bridge.

Kathryn Janeway was having a hard time not laughing; oh she would have if she'd been confident that laughter was all she would do. At this point however, she was rather convinced that she would simply start insulting her crew again. Or belittle helpful aliens. Or cuss out and curse at Q. Or demand coffee, which she couldn't get anywhere on the ship right now. But her headache was growing, especially after trying to read B'Elanna and Seven's report on their robot problem.

It essentially came down to one very important component, the paper clip, an item so outdated that Janeway didn't think any of them existed anymore. How wonderful it would have been if she was wrong, but she wasn't. Neelix had apparently replicated several of them to help him keep all his aprons and hats color coded and matching. Those were his words, not hers. So she had been forced to do something she hoped she'd never need to do again, invited Neelix to the bridge. Every time he was up here Janeway was convinced he was going to attempt to work at one of the work stations and blow up her ship.

Even as she thought about him, Neelix arrived on the bridge carrying a long looping "chain" of paper clips around one arm, and a cup of something in the other.

"Captain, how nice to see you! You never come to the mess hall anymore; I was starting to think you didn't like me." Neelix smiled as he bustled over to her before offering her the cup, "It's not coffee, and I don't think you'll like it, but it's loaded with caffeine. As a matter of fact I've taken the liberty of packing it with three times the caffeine you find in your bland coffee. But you still won't like it, it's horrid."

Janeway stared at the white substance in the cup, if a drink could ever have an appearance of being mushy, this drink would have won first place in the mushy competition. It had strange grayish swirls that moved back and forth over the top of the liquid, it looked reminiscent of oil, but somehow much more disturbing. "I'm desperate," she grumbled before taking a swig of the foul substance. After her coughing fit and Neelix's laughter subsided she glared at him and demanded, "What the hell is it with you and leola root?! We only got, like, a handle full of that crap and yet it keeps reappearing in our food years later. That just doesn't make sense! What are you doing, growing it in your quarters?"

Neelix wiggled his eyebrows in a way that suggested he was letting her into something big, "Well, you see I hate leola root, but I love messing with the crew! It's just too much fun to watch you all squirm." He broke into a new fit of giggles that sounded slightly panicked. Janeway decided it was most likely over the glares he was now receiving.

"Well that's just peachy, now give me the freaking paper clip and get off my bridge before you break something." Janeway only waited long enough for the small item to be placed into her hand before giving the cup back to the Talaxian. "Don't ever use leola root again Mr. Neelix, or we will find you...even though we already know exactly where you are. Now, Mr. Tuvok, I believe you'd like to escort Neelix back to the mess?" Without any further prompting the Vulcan man stepped forward and walked to the turbo lift with the still nervous cook.

"Open a channel Harry, time to kick some ass-I mean, damn it. Just open the channel." Janeway waved dismissively at the screen. When the percolator finally reappeared it took all of her strength to not simply kidnap it and get a needed cup of coffee. "Our hot chicks got a solution, behold the paper clip, poke it into that small hole near the CD drive thingy and it should open it up and let you get the floppy out, now please let us pass or I'll be forced to open fire."

The percolator managed to appear unhappy and nervous as the small clip was beamed onto it's ship. "Captain, we are uncomfortable knowing that the fate of our hard drive tentatively relies on a 2-5 gram paper clip."

"Tough, now I'm going to have to open fire on you. Wait no, launch torpedoes at you. Wait, what I mean is that I'll annihilate you…hmm…Janeway out." Janeway waited for the transmission to cut. When it didn't she looked over her shoulder at Ensign Kim who seemed unhappy to end the transmission. "Took you long enough Ensign," she made it a point to put some extra emphasis on his rank.

"It's not what I would have done you trigger happy hag." Harry grumbled even as his eyes grew wide and his hands flew to cover his mouth.

"And what would you have done Mr. Suck Up?" Janeway asked caustically.

Harry looked hurt before answering, "We could have used them for extra replicator rations, or for coffee, or real food and you just send them on their merry way? No, screw you people, we do it my way or else I'll take this tin can down with me!" Harry's hand hovered in what should have been a threatening way over his work station.

Q suddenly appeared on the ship with a loud popping sound, and a wide smile in place. "As fun as that would be, you're not going to. Listen up everyone; I've decided that if that act of compassion doesn't warm your little hearts I don't know what will."

"I don't know what you even did." Chakotay sighed before realizing he had full control over his speech again. "All you did was make us speak strangely."

Q frowned before tisking slightly. "I did so much more than that Chuckles, I helped get you closer to home!"

Janeway's eyebrows shot into her hairline as she asked, "And please, do enlighten us as to how you managed that Q."

"I would love to Kathy!" Q pointed at himself, "I allowed you to find your way through enemy territory without fighting them, I helped you to by pass another potential threat with Artificial Intelligence by making them much more harmless, and I managed to clear the air between many crewmembers; which, I might add, will shave years off of your trip."

"How will Neelix's revelation on leola root help us get years off of our trip?" Kathryn asked in frustration.

"Neelix?" Q was confused for a moment before laughing, "Oh no, you misunderstand, but of course you would, you're a human. I meant that every time B'Elanna and Seven get together for wild loving evenings, they are going to come up with the most ingenious ideas to get you all home." Q grinned as Janeway flinched. "So you should give them some extra time off to be with one another…intimately."

"Q," Chakotay began, "Thank you, but I'm still not going with you anywhere."

Q waved a hand dismissively, "Oh that, forget it, I'm taking Jean-Luc and he is much more interesting than you lot. Enjoy your trip."

And with a snap of his fingers Q vanished.

Kathryn Janeway shook her head in a combination of relief and confusion. "Well, that was interesting, but I think I'll be in my ready room for a while." With out another word she quickly retreated from the bridge before bursting into peals of laughter. She wasn't sure what Starfleet was going to think about this. After she managed to pull herself together she went around the desk and sat down as her door chime went off. "Come in."

Seven stepped inside with two padds before asking, "May I come in Captain?"

Janeway tried to not loose it again at the thought of polite Borg, and forced herself not to laugh. "Sure, what can I do for you Seven?"

The proud woman approached her desk and placed the two padds onto its gleaming surface, "The replicator problem has been fixed, and we also managed to figure out a `new' way to travel in subspace that should take several months off of our journey."

Janeway felt her eyebrows creeping back up her forehead unbidden. "And, uhm, who exactly is, uh, who is `we'?"

Seven tilted her head to the side revealing a previously hidden bite mark. "Myself and B'Elanna of course, we had a rather…intriguing and informative `meeting'." Without another word Seven then marched out of the Captain's ready room.

Janeway glanced down at the padds before looking back up at her door. "One of these days she'll finally leave when I dismiss her." Then looking back at the padds she added, "And I think I really need to assign her and B'Elanna some quarters together, this is brilliant!"


End file.
